Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Why I want to be filthy rich...

Ok, so by the title, I'm sure it sounds pretty bad. I know that but give me a chance.

I used to believe that money was evil and anyone who had lots of it was evil. But as I was discussing with a close friend last night, it is not the money itself that is "evil". Money has no say, no opinion. It is how we use it that matters. I know that I personally had a lot of issues with money and my relationship to it. And after some research, I now understand that it is because my first role models (my parents) had a certain mentality about it and naturally, I'm going to pick that up, whether I want to or not, whether I am aware of it or not.

Imagine, as a five year old, you ask for something you want and your parents says "We can't afford that." And maybe they can't at that moment. But after hearing this over and over again, we begin to believe that we can't afford it- that it is normal to live paycheque to paycheque. If you grew up hearing that people with money are cold hearted and greedy, you will most likely, in your subconscious, believe it. It is only when we become aware of our HABITS and our BELIEFS that we can change them.

Why do you think that 3% of the world makes 98% of the money earned int he world? Yes, we can go into the structural nature of governments, corporations and other institutions that we believe "keep us down", but I will be as bold to say that the reason why is simply that 98% of the world do not BELIEVE they can.

Our beliefs are who we are. Let me say that again. We are our beliefs.
Our beliefs determine our thoughts.
Our thoughts determine our feelings.
Our feelings determine our actions.
Our actions determine our life.

So let's go back to that chain reaction.
Let's say I do believe that only the rich can be rich and there is no way an immigrant such as myself could play in the big league.
I think that life isn't fair and the only way I can have financial success is to work really hard for a lot of hours and pray that I can save enough to get a home one day.
I feel tired, hopeless and unmotivated.
My actions is stay at my 9-5pm job.
My life is a routine.

So I ask you. What are your beliefs and how are they affecting the chain reaction that I laid out above? Be honest with yourself other wise answering these questions are pointless. So if you see the world as a trap, with no opportunities and people you can't trust, that is exactly what it YOU. That is all that you will ever attract into your life because your FREQUENCY (and we are all energy and so we are always vibrating at a frequency) are the same as those beliefs. Did you know there is a frequency for fear, love, hate, resentment, fear, inspiration, hope- all the emotions. Haven't you seen someone in a room that you know you don't want to talk to? Or someone who fascinates you, who is just glowing. Those two people are radiating at very different frequencies and you are picking up on them. It is not an intellectual thing. It is an intuitive thing. We all have intuitive faculties at our disposal but the strength of them differ depending on our experiences and who we are. The good part is, you can nurture yours.

I must reiterate that this is not to say that one way of living is better than another. Do what makes you happy. Sincerely happy.

Now I know I went on a tangent. You're thinking, "The title of this blog is "Why I want o be filthy rich..." so where is that in that? Here's where I'm going with this.

I have always dreamed BIG, always. Because I know I have the capacity to achieve what I want, just like anyone else that has a dream. Yes, it would be lovely to have my own studio or home and all those other material things that make life easier. But the deeper things I want is to start a community centre/school for the Khmer Krom youths in the South of Vietnam, who are the indigenous people of the Mekong Delta and who are my community. I want to spend quality time with my family and friends, help my family build an empire back at "home", start foundations and charities that will help those who are underserved to go to school and achieve their dreams. I want to help people find their authentic voice, own their space, walk with ease and confidence....

And the list goes on.

Now how can I possibly do this if I do not have the financial means to stabilize myself so that I can extend my services without the worry of paying this or that? I need absolute financial freedom, which doesn't mean that I won't have anything to pay. It simply means that I CAN! It is NOT about the money but what I have because of it- time, freedom of choice and quality of life. Too many of us are run by our paycheques. "Oh I can't because I'm on a budget." "I can't because my insurance is going through next week." "Oh I can't because I owe my line of credit." And so on.

Well, I don't know about you, but I am done with living that way. I want to be FILTHY RICH so that I can give more of myself and more of my services. We all have such amazing talents that most are not using because we don't have the means to be able to apply them. I am declaring here and now that everyday, I am working towards my financial freedom. I want to be my own boss, the driver of my life.

How about you?


Monday, January 24, 2011

Our Personal Growth Blocks

For those who are getting to know me or have known me for about the last year or so, it can be mind boggling to think that I was once an energy-sucking, negative and pessimistic person. Thank Buddha those days are gone!!!

Yes I have my moments. I am human. But my overall outlook on life has completely changed. Through life experiences, speaking to friends, acting classes, guidance from my mentors and just a better awareness of myself, I slowly fought my inner self that told me I couldn't do this or that. I overcame obstacles and continue to do so as I keep growing and changing.

I'd like to share with you an article I just read (quite literally, about 5 minutes ago) that clarified the top 5 barriers to personal growth. And if each and every inspiring visionary had dealt with their own personal barriers, you bet we have ours! The article is called "5 Barriers to Personal Growth-And How to Overcome Them". I suggest we each take a look and I garauntee it is like looking into a mirror. But no worries... there are solutions :)

I'm going to give my own breakdown of them and how I have personally dealt with them.

1) Negative Self Talk:
I grew up in a household where my parents constantly looked at our given physical circumstances and felt confined by them. "You want to do what? We have no money. I have no time. I'm too busy making money to pay the bills and the mortgage...". You get the point. I am a big dreamer. That's to say the least. I think huge, I dream huge and I always have since I was a child. I lived in my head and from my heart. But it is easy to let others affect the way you think, especially your parents, whom I find we are always trying to please and seek approval from. Because I am naturally stubborn and refuse to believe anything my parents said, I was determined to prove them wrong. I saw others I wanted to emulate, those who came from nothing and no money to being extremely succesful. They took a chance, took a risk, believed in their dreams and took actions towards it. I simply decided I was going to do the same. I began to replace any thoughts of "I can't" with "How can I?". And eventually, my habit of negative self talk faded. I also became a lot more compassionate towards my parents. I used to be resentful of them, wondering why they were unsupportive. But the more I understood their way of thinking and why they thought the way they thought, the more love I had for them. I forgave them, which lifted so much pressure from my shoulders, and offered thoughts of praise towards them for all that they have done. They left their home in Southeast Asia to give my brother and I a better opportunity in life and I can't ever thank them enough for that.

Just a side note, vision boards are awesome. If you don't have one, I suggest you start NOW! Take any blank board of any size (I like to make them big) and post and past images of the things you want. Put it in a place where you will pass by it very often or where you can see from your bed when you are open and relax. Take in the images and let it affect the way you feel. The key is to image you already have the things you want. The sense of gratitude will flow through you like a flood.

2) Lack of Support:
Again, I will refer back to my parents. I was actually quite fortunate that unlike a lot of Asian parents I know, they were quite supportive with my dreams in the arts because they are artists themselves. They no longer practise as they did back at "home" but they are true artists in the purest sense. My father paints and my mother is a performer (No wonder I went into theatre.) But for the longest time, I thought I didn't have their support until, to my surprise, they said to me "We will support whatever you choose to do but you have to commit to it and do it all the way." Now, if you find yourself without this kind of support, find a community or group of people who are like minded and you will all support eachother! It's that simple. Seek them out and along with your courage beside you, introduce yourself.

3) No Clear Goals:
How can you get what you want when you don't know what you want? Make sense? Yes, everyone wants happiness, an ideal relationship, money and so on but what does that mean EXACTLY to YOU? I spoke to a friend recently right before the new year and she said "I just hope the next year will be better". Ummmm.... can you be any more vague??? Better how? And don't just hope for it. Be specific, declare it and take action towards it. But it must begin with what you really want. Not what your parents want you to do or your partner wants from you but what you, your spirit and essence, wants to feel fulfilled. And if you don't know, then I suggest spending some quality time with yourself in a safe space where you can reflect and allow that inner voice, your true voice to speak.

4) Playing the "Blame Game": I recognize this one. I always had the perfect reason why things weren't going my way. "It's because my parents are immigrants", "I'm not getting any acting roles because I'm Asian", "No one respects me because I'm short", "I can't do that because I don't have any money", "I don't have money because all the rich greedy people have them"... and the list goes on.

I was fortunate that I was dating someone that openned my eyes that I was capable of reaching my goals and that it was all in my own hands to make it happen. The blame game satisfies us momentarily and puts the light on someone or something else but it eventually always comes back to ourselves. I understand it pains to think that we are the agents of our own destinies and circumstances but it also empowering. CHOOSE to see it as an empowerment and everything changes.

5) "I am my Ego":
We all know the ego can be a bitch. It's like a tantruming child and that's how we should treat it. Be aware if it, observe it from a distance, let the thoughts flow out of you and stay grounded.

I used to be very defensive. Anything anyone said hurt my ego because I grew up with a lot of high expectations and criticism. I seeked acceptance outside of myself instead of from within. So when I felt attacked (or I should say, my ego) I went on the defensive. Through learning how to breathe properly and ground myself in my acting classes, I've learned to respond and not react. Responding requires thinking and reflection as opposed to reacting, which is based in a more habitual animalistic way of behaving.

I'm not sure if we ever stop dealing with these obstacles. But I do believe it becomes easier the more we become aware of ourselves and our behaviours. It won't happen overnight because it does require a rewiring in the way we have thought our whole lives. We'll  be fighting with ourselves for awhile before a new habit replaces the old.

But remember.... YOU CAN DO IT. I have no doubt in my mind. Again, check out the link for ideas on how to overcome these obstacles.

And those are my thoughts this early afternoon. Have good one :)


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Competition vs Creativity

The idea of competition has been on my mind lately. I think on some level, competition can be healthy if the spirit of it is kept on growth. But I would say that competition itself isn't healthy because it can create a lot of negative qualities such as aggressiveness, greediness, selfishness, anxiety... I think you get the point.

And I know a little bit about competition. I am first and foremost an actor. Always wanted to be one since I was a little girl. There was something inside of me that knew I needed to perform. I was really shy growing up and began to come out of my shell during high school when I became a typical drama geek. My other drama geek friends and I would read plays, put them up during the school year, took every drama class available, went to the Stratford and Shaw festivals and even attempted at writing a play. After realizing what a terrible and purposeless script it was, we dropped it and never finished it. We produced another show, though, in the summer in Cabbagetown, Toronto.

Needless to say, acting is one of the most competitive businesses out there. Everyone seems to want to be a star without any prior training. Mind you, there are the rare few who have done it, like my man Johnny Depp. But I think it is because those few are the real deal, the true actors. Anyhow, when it was time for me to choose my major in University, I auditioned for several acting programs and some design programs (something I was also good at but not passionate about). I wasn't accepted to any of the acting programs and I was CRUSHED! There I was, thinking I could be an actor and I couldn't even get into an acting program. Another friend of mine, who auditioned as well, got into several. I was happy for her but that was definitely the beginning, or I should say  the continuation of my complex with competing against other people.

There was another moment in University where I had auditioned for a part for the year's production. I, again, did not get in but another girl did. I remember thinking that it was ridiculous and unfair that she got in because I was so much better than her. I just didn't get it. I was angry and frustrated with the world and became really bitter and broken for awhile. It did me no good. And it was no one's fault but my own. I forgive myself for that. I was childish and insecure.

I think this began to change when I woke one day and decided, I made the CHOICE, not to let that determine my behavior and how I looked at the world. I was still sure in my heart and gut I not only wanted, but needed to do this work. And that for me changed everything. I decided to change my major from Design for the Theatre to Major in Theatre and take as many acting classes as possible. I was determined to learn as much as I could about acting from as many teachers and friends who would help me. I started focusing on my work and not on the work of others. It was then I began to see what I could offer, what I was capable of. I remember during a one-on-one feedback session with an acting teacher, someone I deeply respected and seeked approval from. He sat me down and said "Chantria, everything you are doing is great. The intentions are there and you are engaging to watch. I just can't hear you." So that told me two things. 1) I did it! I was on my way to becoming the actor I always dreamed of being. And 2) I needed to work on my voice. Do you think I went away and cried about it? No! I thought, great! Now who can teach me how to use my voice properly?

I was also frustrated at the fact that there were no decent Asian female roles in film and television, let alone theatre. Again, I blamed the outside world. It was the industry's fault, it was the directors faults, it was the so-and-so's fault. Eventually I got tired and got creative. I thought, "Well, if the roles and the project aren't going to come to me, then I will just create it!" So I did. I started writing and turned it into a one-woman show, Someone Between. With an amazing team of people who also believed in the project, we self-produced it in 2008 in Montreal and have been presenting it ever since. I am now in the middle of grants to remount it in Toronto. And I have met some incredible people since I started this journey; artists, educators, audience members from all sorts of communities and it continues to grow.

There comes a point when we have to stop blaming our present given circumstances and take some sort of responsibility for where we are, doing what we are doing. And then, let go of it and think creativity! Think what can be and go out make it happen. Most of us are too busy looking to the right and to the left, at our "competitors", to look ahead at our own goals. That is detrimental to our learning, growing and happiness. As an actor there are so many factors that are out of my hand. So I know there is only one competitor in my mind and that is myself. I know what I need to work on and I will seek to get it. Now when I go on auditions and sit in the waiting room, I smile at my fellow actors and wish them to "break a leg". And it's actually sincere.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes, passed down to me from my acting coach and mentor. I read it once in awhile, but especially when I'm not feeling so hot. And it lifts me  back up. I hope it does the same for you.

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action and there is only one of you in all of time. This expression is unique and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how it compares to other expression. It is  your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open."

                                                                                                                                 *Martha Graham

Let the world see your expression.
And those are my thoughts tonight.


Saturday, January 1, 2011

My New Year Confession

So, I have a few confessions to make on the first day of 2011.

I did not spend my New Year's Eve in an overpriced club, where the champagne glass is a joke and the "cheap" drinks are almost impossible to get through the mounds of people trying to get the bartender's attention. I was not dressed in the outfit that I was planning to wear yesterday. I did not get drunk with friends and say things I may have regretted. I did not countdown with a crowd of people downtown in the cold.

I had plans to go to Niagara Falls and enjoy New Year's there but that fell through. After feeling disappointed for about five minutes, I blasted music that made me feel great, danced around in my undies like nobody's business, played dress up and enjoyed my Bailey's on the rocks! And you know what? I had a blast with myself!!! (And get your mind out of the gutter, if you're thinking of other things.)

With all this studying I have been doing about personal growth, self improvement, the law of attraction and other laws of the Universe, I am a true believe that things happen for a reason, whether we may like it or not. And that it is mainly what we are attracting to us by our own vibrations that places us in whatever circumstances we are in.  So I found it fitting that I spent bringing in 2011 alone. Not LONELY, just alone, at least physically. There is a huge difference between feeling lonely and being alone. I was alone, but I was filled with so much joy from within. I danced in front of my huge mirror and realized that I had everything I needed; my health, my family, my friends, my confidence, my creativity, my mind, my thoughts, my free will! And as I was dancing in my room, I simply focused on those great things and in bringing more of what I wanted into my life. I became really excited about it. And if I am not able to bring that excitement to and for myself, who will? No one.

If we are depending on someone else to bring us happiness and love, we are embarking on an impossible journey. Sure, we may get the immediate satisfaction of another's affections and appraisals, but when that person is done, do we still feel complete or are we empty again? If we are empty again, we were there for the wrong reasons. It is more of a selfish addiction, like any other drug, leaving our system. But, if we can still stand strong and walk upon the Earth with a confidence and inner peace with ourselves, then that is a whole other story.

Going back to my New Year's Eve, after getting my dance on and letting that energy run through and out of me, it was time for a shift. I tidied up my room a little (always great and simple way to cleanse yourself), got anther glass of Bailey's, got my mother one as well, turned down the lights and searched for inspiration. I go to for that. And I'd like to share with you what I watched last night that put things into perspective for me.

The man's name is Sean Stephenson. This series of videos is called "The #1 Killer and Attractor of Love- How to create a deep attraction". The amazing thing about him is that he has a physical condition in which by the time he was 13 years old, had already fractured 200 bones!!! His mother was told her would not make it at birth and he is now in his 30's, thriving and spreading messages of love and empowerment. Please take the time to watch this. I promise it will change the way you see things. It certainly has done that for me. It was the perfect ending to my 2010 and the even more perfect beginning to my 2011.

I wish you all a joyous, loving and prosperous 2011 and beyond! Find your inner peace and inner strength and you can conquer the world.

And those are my thoughts this early afternoon, on the first day of a new beginning.


Thursday, December 30, 2010


How do you define fear? Do you fear fear? Or do you befriend it? Work alongside it?

I feared fear. It still creeps up once in while when I encounter things that are new, that requires me to step out of my comfort zone. But it does not paralyze me anymore. I'll tell you a story of when I saw fear's face. At least in my own imagination.

It was a few years ago in an acting class. We were given a choice between a few classical poems. I don't even remember what I chose. We only used it for that particular class. Anyhow, we were asked to read it a few times, just connect with it on a rudimentary level and understand what it means to us. Then we were asked to choose a word, any word from there, that stuck out at us. I chose F-E-A-R. I think on some level, I knew I had to face my own fears and so I was drawn to it.

The exercise was done in pairs. One person was the speaker and the other just a neutral support. We had to be connected, sometimes physically, sometimes just spiritually by our presence and focus on that person. I was the speaker at the time and my job was to break down the word "fear" to its smallest components, by each letter. I started with speaking the letter "F" and letting it affect my body, my movements, my gestures. I couldn't over think it, just follow my impulse. I have to say that this was an advanced class where everyone there was just as focused, committed and supportive as I was.

There was no right or wrong with this exercise. The only guidelines were what I described above. At times, I felt my partner placing their hand on my back or hand, where ever their impulse was leading them, based on what I was doing. This is why connection between partners is crucial. You are speaking to one another without words. After having gone through all the letters separately, I placed them back together again and said "fear". The word had never connected with me on such a deep level as this. My breath changed, my body changed, my whole being changed and continued to change until I was finished. I felt in my soul I was really facing it by evoking it within myself with the act of speaking. It haunted me, frightened me, threatened me, seduced me... until I stood up to it and grew larger than it. Suddenly, it had left my body and I saw it for what it was. Just a manifestation created from my mind. And it wasn't scary anymore. It didn't bother me anymore. In fact, I felt a sense of relief and release at the end. I had a great partner who supported me and followed my movements. At one point, his arms were wrapped around, as if to comfort and protect me from the fear. This work is done in a space of complete trust, just to let you know. At the end, we ended up on the floor, back to back. My breath had dropped. I felt light, open, determined- fearless. I had fought my internal battle.

We all have fear of some sort.
Fear of taking risks, fear of looking stupid, fear of sounding stupid, fear of commitment, fear of love, fear of being alone, fear of failure (that's a HUGE one), but it's what we choose to do with that fear that matters. People who become aware of their reason for the fear and then work with it from there are the successful ones. I believe fear is a gift in that it gives us the opportunity to grow and shift our own paradigms once we pass it. Most people fall back into their old paradigms to relieve the fear. That would be the easiest way. "I'll stay home and continue to watch T.V because it's reliable and safe, rather than go out and seek a better and more fulfilling job." They settle. But fear is the threshold that brings us closer to reaching, living and being our greater potential.

Now, I'm not saying I want to live without fear completely. On the contrary. It is what gives me the indication that something great is about to happen. It is an indication that I am about to grow a step closer into my true self.

Alright, side story. Today, during my lunch time at work, I took a chance to go up to an executive suite and speak with a man I met yesterday. I know he is very connected with the right people in fields I want to explore. During my elevator ride, there was a tingling feeling in my belly and my heart pumped faster. It was fear knocking on my door. And when the elevator door opened, I was literally open up the door to that fear. And there was no one there! It was a beautiful, lavish office with a receptionist desk but no receptionist. It was quite warm and inviting. The suite was shared between many companies. There were instructions there to call whoever you needed to call. I sat down, found the man's name and dialed. I was prepared to talk to him but not to leave a message. So I didn't. Maybe I should of, but eh- the past is the past. But I sat in that office for a few moments and just took it is. And it felt great. I felt like I belonged there and I know I'll be back. The moment was not then for us to meet.

So you see? What I thought was going to be scary and intimidating turned out to be a beautiful and inviting space. And I know in my heart that I belong there. I am worthy it of it. I think maybe that's the key to working with fear. Believing we are worth what we want.

And those are my thought...
Day 8.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Those little "coincidences"

Just a few hours ago, I was sitting behind a counter, playing the role of a teller at the bank. In the past, the mere idea that I was there, not doing what I really wanted to do; perform, write, paint, sew...; made me feel defeated. I looked at my present situation and thought I had failed. I've graduated 3 years ago already, shouldn't I be doing what I want to by now? And I am now beginning to understand that it is that exact act of looking at my present moment  and feeling trapped that was the problem. It was not the situation itself, but my attitude towards it. Yes, I know I should feel lucky I even have a job. And I do now. There are those less fortunate but I don't like to think of them to make myself feel better.

I've been reading a lot about the power of our thoughts, our mind and the images we hold within ourselves, whether conscious or subconscious and the impact that has on our reality. I've started studying "The Science of Being Rich". Think what you will, but it is freakin' awesome. It is pretty much the extension (and a much more full and much less cheesy) of "The Secret". It is mainly narrated by Bob Proctor and he says that most people look at their present circumstances and feel defeated or guilty or sad or whatever may be. What they don't realize is that their present state is only the result of their past actions, it is not who they are NOW and who they can become. And if people keep looking at their present state and feel trapped by it, they will remain in their present state and wonder why nothing changes. It is only until we begin to live larger than our present selves will we grow and evolve and achieve what we truly want.

I started doing that. I am forcing myself to change my perspective anytime I am aware of a negative thought or feeling. And that simple act is changing things for me. Not only am I happier and feel more fulfilled, I feel inspired when I look around. This of course, puts me in a state of gratitude (hence, my first blog and the reason I started it). And it is gratitude that will begin to attract things I want to me and I to it. This is not to mean that effective action is not needed. Of course it is! We can't just sit and dream about big things without moving our asses towards it. That wouldn't be fair. And now that I have started to do these little things, small things are manifesting, kind of like these doors I never knew existed began to show up in my life. They have shown themselves and cracked themselves open and it is up to me whether I want to open the door and walk through it.

Just last week, I was working at a branch downtown (I move around to different branches around the city) and served two customers who came together. They were both musicians. Being an artist, I've gotten into the habit of networking and so that's what I did. I told them about my one-woman show and some initiatives I have for it. I said that I am in the middle of adapting the script to fit radio and long and behold! One of them worked for CBC Radio as a host. She mentioned I had a great voice and I should get in contact with them to do some work. The other musician, also a producer and composer, gave me his contact as well and mentioned he could introduce me to people who could help me towards my goal. I'll be having coffee with him very soon.

Now just today, I worked at another branch. A customer came in for a deposit. It was a business account and I asked what kind of business. Turns out he works as a recruiter for film, television and theatre and is very active in those communities, working as a director on boards and such. I of course, pitched myself again and talked about my play and intentions with it. I looked down at his cheque and it was from CBC Radio!!!

Coincidence? Luck? I choose to call it fate. I really believe things happen for a reason and I feel myself aligning with some sort of force that's working with me. I believe every person we meet as something to teach us and we to them. But these can only happen if we are open to these moments of alignment.

It takes work. It really does. To stay positive, to be grateful, to stay open, genuine, connected to one's purpose, to stay focused... I struggle with it every day. Another reason why I started this blog. To force myself to take a moment, just a moment to be present and reflective with my thoughts until it becomes a habit.

Did you know it takes 30 days, 30 consecutive days of doing the same thing, before it becomes habit???
This is day 7 for me. For what, you ask? For studying "The Science of Getting Rich" and the laws of the Universe. Looking forward to day 30.

And those are my thoughts tonight :)

Monday, December 27, 2010


I sit here at a local Starbuck's Coffee shop with an childhood friend, writing my first blog. Need I say more?

I live in a peaceful country (no, it's not perfect but I still love it), I have a laptop I can write on, I have delicious food everyday, wonderful friends who support and challenge me everyday, who love me for who I am, family who pushes me to reach my potential, a brilliant little brother (I call him my little genius brother)... I live in abundance.

Now here's my situation...

I grew up at Jane and Finch, Toronto. This neighbourhood is known for drugs, gangs and shootings. I left to study theatre and acting at Concordia University and stayed in Montreal there for 8 years, mainly to continue to work on my one-woman show, but undoubtedly, to avoid moving back home and looking like a big loser to the rest of my community there. I wasn't about to hear the "I told you so" from my parents and have the elders in my community look at me with judgement. I am Asian. Khmer-Krom to  be specific. We are the indigenous peoples of the Mekong Delta, what is now known as the South of Vietnam. So community is extremely important in my mind, whether I like it or not.

Then after having exerted almost all my finances living on my own and realizing I am not getting any younger, I decided to make the "adult" choice and move back home. WITH MY PARENTS! I know a lot of people do that. But I have to admit, I am a very proud person. (Must be an Asian pride thing.) It hurts my ego to move back and it took me awhile to suck it up and not be ashamed of it, to embrace it as an opportunity to get to know my family on a different level, as Chantria now, not Chantria then. And I see them also adjusting to the new me. I have always rejected the idea of confining myself in a "perfect Cambodian girl" image. That is NOT me. I grew up feeling guilty about it, ashamed I couldn't speak my language, wondered why I was more attracted to Black men and not Asian men, hated cooking and washing the dishes because according to my mother, "It is practice for when you get married and you must serve your husband." I have always said this and will still say it now.... That is a load of crap. But I am no longer angry about it. My beliefs have not changed, just my understanding and approach to things. I am grateful for those moments now, because I understand my mother and my culture a little bit more for it.

So here I am. Back at Jane and Finch, Toronto.
I have to admit, I love seeing people's reactions when I say I live there. Most try to stay reserved and pretend they are not afraid of the area but I can see right through that. I can hear what they really think in their voices. Others, the ones I really admire, are straight up and say "Holy shit! You live there? Aren't you scared?" It makes me laugh. And the answer is no. I am not scared. It is my neighbourhood as much as it is others who live here.

In fact, I will go as far as to say I am grateful for it. It has made me who I am today. And you know what? I love me! Think what you will. But I love me. That's right! I said it!

This is all to say that I am extremely grateful for my life, for LIFE!
People!!! We are alive! Let's make the most of it. Let's live it the way WE want to. There is so much beauty in the world, so much opportunity. It is a matter of what perspective with which you CHOOSE to walk upon this precious Earth.

I am grateful for this blog, where I am express my most deepest thoughts without persecution or judgement. And I thank you, whoever you are, for reading this :)

And those are my thoughts right now...
Until next time.